


Being Honest

by ritazien



Category: Marvel, Marvel 616
Genre: Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-10
Updated: 2015-04-10
Packaged: 2018-03-22 04:50:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3715708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ritazien/pseuds/ritazien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Steve have been through a lot together. They've been through too much together, and they are left with scars for souvenirs.</p><p>Basically, they talk about what's happened and it leaves them with a few truths that they can't ignore anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being Honest

The light is on in Tony’s office. He makes a swift turn down the hall toward the room, and slows to a near-stop at the sight of Steve behind his desk.

“Steve. What are you doing in here?” He taps the spanner against his palm, grips it with both hands as he approaches the desk. Steve is looking up at him with such lack of expression that Tony’s nerves kick up. He tosses the spanner onto a nearby chair and folds his arms. 

“Something you’d like to discuss?” he asks. 

Steve breaks their eye contact, gaze sweeping the desk in front of him. He spreads his hands out on it, pushes himself out of Tony’s chair. 

“We’ve been through a lot, you and I.”

“We have,” Tony agrees, curious about where this could go.

“I have a lot of regrets.” He walks slowly around the desk, hands clasped behind his back, a move that pushes his shoulders back in a futile attempt to hide his insecurity. It doesn’t work, but Tony has to wonder why he’d even bother to try it. 

“I know you do,” Tony says, careful with his words. He can’t read Steve right now, and that is not something he’s accustomed to.

“And you?”

He unfolds his arms, takes those steps closer to Steve, as if they could heal the part of him this man is unstitching. “There isn’t a mountain big enough to hold mine.”

Steve stares at his chest, the only safe place to look in the closing space between them. Tony keeps a check on that space, the way he monitors the distance between them every time they’re together, because he doesn’t trust himself enough to let it go unchecked. Steve blinks, and turns away, his back to Tony.

“What’s going on, Steve?”

“I’m just trying to understand,” he said, voice low.

“Based on your line of questioning, I’d say I could help.”

Steve turns back to him, his face full of things unspoken that Tony has seen countless times, but their sudden appearance makes him question everything he is doing here.

“I have hated you,” Steve says, passion in rippling undertones, but without loathing right now. It shakes Tony, impact on that piece of his core that used to shatter at the thought of that hatred. He has built a resistance to it now, so at least he doesn’t break in front of Steve.

“I know,” Tony murmurs.

Steve steps forward. “You’ve hated me, too.”

His head snaps up. “No. Never.”

“Don’t lie to me about this.”

“I’m not. I’m not lying, I have never hated you. I’ve tried, trust me, I’ve tried, but you… You’re infuriating. You’re frustrating. I’ve resented you, sure, and I’ve been confused by you, but I have never hated you.”

“Then why didn’t you ever see it my way?” His furrowed brow and parted lips make Tony ache, and he doesn’t know if he can have this conversation again.

“Steve, I…”

“Stop. I know. You were fighting for what you believed in. I respect that, Tony, I do. I’ve just been thinking about the lives we cost for the sake of our own differences.”

“It wasn’t just our differences, you know that. The world was going to divide with or without us, we just ended up the figureheads.”

Steve huffs. “Figureheads. You know we were more than that.” He pushes a hand through his hair.

“Why are we talking about this now? It’s over, we’re back on the same team.”

“Because I don’t know if we ever truly are. You’ve betrayed me before, I need to know I can trust you.”

Tony frowns. “All I can give you is my word.”

Steve starts to answer, but Tony interrupts. “It’s not entirely on me, though, Cap. I need to know you’ll let me do what I know is right.”

Steve just looks at him. “That’s the problem. The decisions you make involve letting people die, and I can’t sit by while that happens. You’ve got the brain, Tony, but what about morality? I’ve seen what survival is worth to you.”

“And I’ve seen what your ethics cost.”

“Is there any solution here?”

He is silent. Is there a solution? He’s been asking himself this question for years. He has looked at it like an equation, like a tactical situation, but he and Steve aren’t like that. There isn’t one solid answer to fix everything they break. There isn’t a logical way to keep them from breaking each other. There is only the painful, impossible fact that the way they work with and against each other is not logical. The solution is not strategic or chemical.

“Trust,” he finally answers. “You can hate me all you want, but the real problem is that you never trusted me to do what was right.”

Steve stares at him, searching for the answers somewhere beneath his skin, but they both know he can’t get that far. For all that Tony has hidden from him over the years, this is one of those raw moments, and as their eyes meet, they feel that exposure at the same time.

“I’m not the only one guilty of that.”

“No,” Tony’s voice cracks. “You’re not.”

Steve sighs. Tony steps forward. He reaches up, places the ghost of his hand on Steve’s cheek. Steve doesn’t move, but he frowns, and it pulls at Tony’s chest.

“Tony?” It’s a murmur, a question, another one that he can’t quite answer.

“I care about you. I think more than you know.”

Steve’s hand comes up to rest over his, and his eyes lower. “It’s not enough.”

“Has it ever been enough?”

“It used to be.”

He nods, brushes his thumb across Steve’s cheekbone, and drops his hand. There is too much animosity between them now.

“I just need you to know something,” he says. Steve meets his gaze again, and a familiar wave of sadness courses through him. Steve is loss, he is longing, he is regret, he is the best and worst of Tony, and sometimes it hurts just to look at him, knowing that there is no hope left, only resignation. He swallows, and says, “You will never be sacrificed again.”

Steve shakes his head. “That’s not for you to say.”

“Fine. But I can say that I will never sacrifice you.”

“No, you can’t,” he says, despondency consuming his features. “Even if you believe it, even if I could believe it, you know what this life is; it’s all about sacrifice.”

“Not you. Not again.” He moves his head to keep Steve’s eyes on his, determined to get this message across. “You were right, okay?”

“Can I get that on tape?” His half-smile is gone as soon as it appeared.

“I just… I don’t know if there will be another time to say this, and you need to know. If we’re going to work together, being on this team…”

“We need to trust each other,” he agrees. “But I don’t know what you can say that hasn’t already been said. Words aren’t a magic band-aid, Stark.”

He’s right. Tony knows he is right, but there is no other option here, there is no way out but the honest way, as ridiculous as it is that he is the one insisting on being honest, while Steve Rogers is standing there with that lethal mix of hope and dejection in his eyes. He doesn’t know what it will take to hear Steve say what he feels every time Tony catches him watching, but he knows that it begins with what he has to say right now.

“It’s pretty simple, actually. Whatever our differences, whichever sides we find ourselves on in the future, the future of this team and this friendship-”

“I think we’re a little past _friendship_.”

“ _Whatever_ this is, then. I won’t sacrifice you, I won’t let you die because of a decision I made.”

“It’s not just death, Tony. What about everything else?”

“I can’t promise I’ll make the right call. But I can’t hurt you again. There’s justice and there’s logic, but honestly, more than that, there’s you.”

Steve’s eyes widen, just slightly, and he’s not quite shocked but he doesn’t look prepared for the words that continue to spill from Tony’s mouth.

“I can promise that I’ve got your back. I can’t lose you again. I have, God, I have endured everything, and it doesn’t matter how hard I try to forget what that felt like, it is still the worst thing I’ve ever known. I know I’m selfish, I know that I make tough decisions, but you matter more to me than my own life. I’ve proved that, I’m sure I have. I can’t believe it took me this long, but you matter more to me than this _world_ , Steve.”

He shakes his head. “Don’t say that.”

“Don’t say what?” Tony takes a step, and Steve doesn’t move, but his gaze is pleading.

“Don’t make it sound like you’d give up the world for me.”

He would. He would let it burn if he could save this one man. This fact sits on a scale of truth, and honestly, if it comes down to it, Tony isn’t sure where on the line they would meet, but right now there isn’t a single thing in the world that can make him turn against Steve.

“Okay. I won’t.”

Steve smiles. It’s small, but he’s looking at Tony like the answers to the universe are behind his eyes. Tony shifts, moves in moments until he is staring at Steve from three inches away. He waits until his vision is well and truly out of focus before closing his eyes, and presses his closed mouth gently to Steve’s. Steve accepts it, parts his lips just as Tony pulls away.

“Why did you do that?” he asks, voice quiet and running along Tony’s skin.

“Because you weren’t going to.”

“Is this what you want?”

He hesitates. For a long time, it was all he wanted, but now, it’s not even an option. He has accepted that it is not a part of this reality. But that doesn’t mean he will ever stop loving Steve.

He replies with, “I’m used to wanting things I can’t have.”

“Do you know why I hated you? Why I sometimes still do?”

The words cut him, but he meets Steve’s eyes fiercely. “Do you want to hear me say it?”

His expression softens. “I’m not asking to make you feel guilty.”

“Then why? What do you want from me now?”

“Loyalty. That’s all I tried to ask for.”

Tony sighs. He is tired, exhausted from the emotional vulnerability that he wishes he could throw back at himself. “Whatever lesson you’re trying to get through here, can we save it for another time?” He rubs his temples, turns to lean against his desk.

“Would you just listen to me?” Steve demands.

He looks up, surprised at the conviction radiating from him. “Do your worst.”

“You _hurt_ me, Tony. You left, and you spearheaded a war, and you took pieces of my mind away, and you acted like it was all _normal_.” The back of his neck is flushed, and Tony can’t meet his glare. “We’ve had this fight before, but… Dammit, I needed you to stay. I needed you to have my back.”

“I was defending my beliefs, same as you,” he says, a dark edge to his tone.

Steve’s fire isn’t calming. “I hated Red Skull, Kang, Ultron, because they hurt my friends, because they threatened my world! I hated you because you broke my heart!”

“Steve… I’m sorry.” He has known a lot of shame in his life, and this time it’s close to overcoming him. He blinks. “I’m so sorry. I tried, I tried to fix it, I tried to bring you back to my side.”

“You did, you tried.” He moves closer, heaviness in his body tiding him toward Tony.

“I wish we’d known better.” He rests his forehead against Steve’s temple, and Steve’s hand brushes Tony’s, their fingers loosely entwined, this moment as bittersweet as they come.

“You know, we are more than our past.”

“Are we?” He lifts his head, and the separation is a loss of something he never should have wanted.

Steve’s face is worn but ringed with something like hope as he says, “Yes.”

“Why does it feel like we should have given up a long time ago?”

“Because you’re a defeatist.”

Tony snorts. His smile slips away. “I meant what I said. I can’t lose you again.”

“Tell me what you want.”

He claws the words up from where they are lodged in his throat. “I want us to be okay.”

Steve nods.

“What do you want?”

He stares past Tony, but his mind isn’t wherever he’s staring, it’s buzzing loudly right here. “I want you,” he murmurs, and glances back to him. “I just wanted you.”

“You know,” Tony murmurs. “It sounds like we have some shared priorities.”

Steve presses himself into Tony, kisses him raw.


End file.
